I finally, FINALLY, got to see a decent copy of San Andreas online. I’m a cheap bitch, if I don’t need to go to a cinema and waste $20, then I’ll watch it online.
I LOVE disaster pics, and the fact this one was filmed on Queensland’s Gold Coast was even better. I know there is a tonne of CGI in it, as clearly huge massive fissures would not be shifting the ground down and apart by a few hundred feet, but I don’t care.
Several Aussies got small parts, not that anyone would know or remember them. But Kylie did. Kylie friggen’ Minogue got a part that was such a waste of viewing time she may as well have not been in it. What was the point of her character? I didn’t know who she was at the time so my guess was Ioan Gruffudd’s ex-wife (which it does say on IMDB but I didn’t check until writing this review) but then why would his new girlfriend, the Rock’s ex-wife, be worrying about talking to her and what she will think? That was two minutes of my time wasted. Seriously, Kylie, your movie career was over long before you had one.
Then there was Hugo, the lovable copper from Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, playing British guy Ben with a kid brother and trying to apply for a job in Daniel’s building. A building he eventually got trapped in with The Rock’s daughter.
I love special effects that have buildings falling apart and over, and while these were great (although the whole story was overdone), it will not beat 2012 in my eyes.
The movie starts with some stupid random girl driving so badly and illegally you just KNEW something was going to happen to her. Along comes Rock and his team to save her, which also included The Arrow’s Red Arrow/Arsenal, and putting some reporter chick and her cameraman’s life in peril while doing it. Great for effects.
Then came the Hoover Dam bursting a water vessel and killing Lawrence’s assistant. Imagine saving a kid, whose mother stupidly left her behind when she ran, only to have your foot impaled on a rusty metal road rod and to be swept away with all the garbage. That would suck shit balls.
Then comes more tremors and the first quake in L. A and then San Fran, and that’s when Rock’s daughter gets trapped in the car with Daniel. I can understand him freaking out. You don’t get quakes in England the way you do in LA. He went for help but the help got squashed, and then in horror and disbelief he got swept up in the crowd of people running outside while good guys Ben and Ollie went searching for his new found potential girlfriend.
Meanwhile, after saving his ex from falling to her death off the roof of a building, Rock and Emma go to San Fran for their daughter. Hilarity, ah, horror, ensues as they face helicopter crashes, guns and quakes, and people shooting and looting. Of course, jumping out of a plane to land in San Fran was a stroke of genius, but relatively stupid. Of course Rock saves the day and helps people out. Sadly, once the big fat massive tsunami arrives I’m sure those people would have been swept away with everyone else.
The tsunami boat scenes were incredibly unbelievable. The speed boat flew the coup, then Rock and Emma face down an ensuing tanker full of shipping containers. Rock is so good at his job he swiftly manoeuvres their boat through the tankers massively huge propellers, only to have to deal with falling containers.
And then they just...stop. Apparently the wave is over, but never mind having to go down the other side of the wave. They just stop and watch everything get swept away.
The tsunami, Cruise liner and Navy warship was a shout out to 2012 that had the same things in that movie. So nothing to see here people, been seen before.
Of course they go back to look for Blake and just happen to pass Daniel’s failing building that was partially knocked over during the tsunami of death and destruction. Yet they survived, only for Blake to think of Ollie’s little lightsaber lense torch to signal her parents for help. And they just happened to see it. Sadly, the building starts sinking and Rock has to dive into the collapsing building to save her.
Meanwhile, Emma just sits in the boat and doesn’t care that the building’s falling down around her and could swamp the boat with water or debris, sending her to the bottom. When all is said and done she smashes the boat into the building and Ben and Ollie jump on the back, while Rock dumps the lifeless body of their daughter on the side and then tells Emma to get the hell out of there.
One big problem with this. HUGE...MASSIVE!
She went in the front that was free of debris and other buildings. The back side of the building that she came out of was leaning against the building behind it, but when she came out, there was no building there and suddenly everyone was sitting in the front of the boat. When they had gotten in the back of the boat!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, Daniel survived the quake and subsequent falling building but managed to die from a shipping container falling on him and then being swept away by the tsunami. Bad guys rarely win. But he was kind of a good guy. It’s not like he really did anything bad, he just got swept up with the crowd in shock.
As the movie ends we see Rock and Emma with the kids on the other side of the bay at the emergency station, with some voice over talking about having to clean up and blah, blah, blah.
Is this movie as awesome as 2012, fuck no. Will I see it again, fuck yes!